The Concept of Gender.

Most recently in my life, I have had a person that is close to me disclose that they are an alternate gender than the one that they were assigned at birth.  Meaning, a girl at birth is disclosing that he is male in terms of his gender identity.  It has me considering that gender is much more expansive than we might want to believe.

From the time of pre-birth, we are educated, socialized, and indoctrinated into the idea that gender is a binary system:  you are either assigned to be a boy or a girl.  From baby showers to gifts given after the new arrival, the majority of the time, gender is broken down to be a choice of either/or:  Either male of female.  Either pink or blue.

I totally participated in this system for the majority of my life.  When I had a baby girl, or I knew that a friend or family member was having a baby girl, I was all about the pink clothes that I could find.  The more "feminine" in appearance, the better.  The same goes for when I knew that someone was having a baby boy; blue was the norm.  It is socially acceptable.  It is how we see our position in the scheme of things.

However, since my loved one recently came out as transgender, I have needed to deeply think about the binary concept of gender, and that, indeed it is just a concept.  Binary gender, meaning, boys or girls, is merely a social construct.  Designed in order to have us each know where it is we fit in on the food chain.

And, for most of my life, that was sufficient.  But the real truth is, the picture in some persons' heads, in their Quality World according to Dr. William Glasser, is the image of being a gender other than the one that they were assigned to when they were born.  And, therein lies the dilemma.  It would not be a dilemma if we all viewed our gender as fluid, as each us being a combination and fluidity of both male and female.  However, we categorize ourselves.  It makes us feel safe.  It helps us to know where we belong.

I am advocating for us to expand our view around gender identity.  Even if I was born female, and see myself as mostly female, I have to also have compassion and understanding for persons who don't have that same level of congruence.  Just because this is the way in which we are socialized, as binary gender humans, does not necessarily mean that it is the only way to define Gender.  For me, gender encompasses so many various, unique aspects, that it is completely possible that for many of us, being binary just doesn't make sense.  

Watch a film.  Read a magazine.  Observe how you see a binary system of gender depicted in the world.  And, then decide for yourself if you would like to see it explored on a deeper level than that.  

The Power of Perception.

Everything that we see, feel, hear and experience is a result of how we perceive the world around us.  Although I would gather that most of us have been taught over time that the things that we see in this world exist as we see them, and are real, the truth is that anything that we experience in our lives is a matter of how we perceive it.  So, for example, when I look at an upholstered chair, I may see a piece of furniture that is comfortable to sit in.  To another person, it could be a piece of art, or something for the garbage dump.

Perception is everything.

So consider the concept when it comes to how we view other human beings, especially persons that seem to be very different than ourselves.  Maybe I have a perception that persons of a different racial category than myself are more prone to violence; or maybe the perception that marriage is between a man and a woman. Or the perception that any religious belief that is not Christianity is not valid, not meaningful, not deeply spiritual enough.

I don't hold any of these views currently, but I have had perceptions of persons around me that were based on the way that I wanted to see the world; the way that I chose to view others.  My perception was based on the filters that I use, to give the real world a positive, negative, or neutral value.  Over time, these become my actual belief systems, based on what I perceive the world to be.

The beauty of perception, although it is quite powerful, it can ALWAYS be changed.  So, the way that I see another human being, no matter what I have believed or thought in the past, can always be changed to see them in another way.  A way that celebrates their unique qualities; values the things that are important to them; and seeks an opportunity for understanding, learning and growth.

Perception is powerful, and so much more powerful when we see how we can change it in ways to be more open to the world around us.  

Learning and the Need for Fun.

My daughter is in her junior year of high school.  Up until high school, her school experiences have been filled with many different types of teachers, most of which enhanced her learning.  I believe that they did so by making learning fun for their students, for her.  So, she would enjoy going to school, and learning ended up being a sure fire way for her to meet her need for fun.  And, the learning would always stick as well, because when we enjoy our process of learning, we tend to remember it better because it is more meaningful to us.

Well, now that she is in high school, my daughter's learning has become a different experience, because for many of her instructors, teaching, and their student's learning, is not fun.  There is memorization, seriousness, a regimented order of doing things, and little room for creativity and inventiveness.  So, as a result, she is having much less fun than she has in the past.  And, the teachers that she does have, that are creative in how they teach, those are her favorites and the ones that stick out the most for her, and the classes that she excels in.

I always remember that Bill Glasser made a point of stating that our learning is enhanced when we are having fun.  We are open to information when we enjoy the process.  This can be applied in any type of context, but today, I am thinking about it in particular, about the process of teaching people about cultural awareness.  When persons are "required" to learn or attend trainings about diversity or cultural awareness, the ability for them to learn and have it stick is largely reduced, because more likely than not, the experience will not be a fun one for them.  When we don't make what we have to offer others purposeful, meaningful and symbolic for them in some way, it won't be fun.  It won't be well received.

The best option, in my mind, is to always see opportunities to teach, and to learn from others.  When we are open, we are more likely to take in new information, especially if we can see how it applies to us.  And, we can even have fun while we are learning or teaching others, rather than having it be a painful experience for all.  I think that when we all take small steps to open to and grow with one another, that we can make great strides in understanding and embracing our differences.

Melting Pot or Salad Bowl?

I have been conducting trainings for several years on a variety of topics, but the most common topic that I focus on has to usually do with issues around diversity.  It could be cultural awareness; the needs of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender persons; or how to be more embracing and open with others.  It is a passion for me, in that I always want to learn new ways, and teach new ways, for each of us to potentially be more open, compassionate and understanding with one another.

When I first started training many years ago,  I remember hearing at times about America, and our cultural experiences here, equating to a melting pot; many different people and cultural groups all coming together in one large entity.  And, that made sense to me; that each group brings its own qualities, and blended together, influence one another, and become one cohesive grouping.

However, years later, and to this day, the descriptor that I have come to appreciate more is that of salad bowl.

I, for one, LOVE salad.  I love it for many reasons.  One of the main reasons that I enjoy salad, is that even though there are many different ingredients brought together in one bowl, that creates an overall satisfaction of taste, there are also many different, INDIVIDUAL parts that bring their own, unique contribution.  In a salad bowl, there is a blending of flavors; and at the same time, each ingredient maintains its individual integrity.  Its uniqueness.  The qualities that make it what it is, and can at the same time, contribute to the whole.

To me, this is what best describes culture, and the way that I experience cultural difference in my daily living.  I appreciate that we can all come together in a common experience.  However, I also love that we each have a uniqueness that stands alone as well.  So, even when I want to be part of a group, I don't need to give away what is unique about me and important.  I get to continue to stand in my individuality, and support the individuality of those around me as well.

What do you prefer?  Soup, or Salad?  

The Basic Needs.

According to Choice Theory psychology, we have four basic needs; five, if you include the need for Survival.  The four basic needs according to Choice Theory are the need for Love and Belonging; the need for Fun; the need for Freedom; and the need for Power.  According to this theory, all human beings have the same basic needs throughout our lifetime.

This is a theory that makes a lot of sense to me.  And, to many other people that I know and come into contact with.  However, it is also clear to state that even though we all have the same basic human needs, we all meet them in a variety of ways.  We may know people in our lives that meet their needs in a similar way to ours, however, we all have our own purposefulness to our behaviors.  For example, one way that I meet my need for Freedom is by traveling, driving in the car for long and short distances.  This also meets my need for Love and Belonging, in that I am often traveling with those that I care about the most; and my need for Fun, because it is always an new, exciting experience for me.  Yet, there are others that don't find traveling to be need fulfilling at all.

Another need fulfilling behavior for me is learning; learning new things meets my need for Power.  Power can be a tricky need for people to understand; in that it isn't meaning power over others; rather, power in ones' own life is the meaning.  Learning helps me to feel very much in effective control of my life.  For others, learning could meet a person's need for Fun, or Love and Belonging, or may not be of interest to that person at all.  It reminds me that we all view the world in our own, unique way, and the meaning of the events and circumstances in this life as well.  

My belief is that we all need to have a clear understanding of the universality and uniqueness related to the basic needs in Choice Theory, and how each of us meet them in our own way.  By seeing ourselves as unique and universal, we get to embrace and appreciate the differences, and likenesses, among us all.

The Capacity for Change.

Over the years of my life, I have changed many things about myself.  I have changed my hair color and style, changed my body size, changed my style of clothing, careers, and changed the partners that I was in relationship with.  Most, if not all, aspects of my life have undergone some type of change at one time or another.

When I reflect back on many of the changes that I have made, I think about my ability to make such changes, and what brought about that desire to change something.  In all cases, it was that at the time, to put it into Choice Theory language, the picture in my head, in my Ideal World, did not match up with what existed in my Real World.  My scales were out of balance.  I felt inside that I was out of balance, not aligned, not happy.  I chose to frustrate, depress, or to have a variety of physical symptoms.

Now, even though I may have felt miserable, and I may have even blamed my environment or the people around me for my misery, I still had a choice to change.  I still had the freedom to choose something different for myself and my life.  And, in all of the cases listed above, I did make a choice.  A choice to think, feel, and do something different.

Even though I chose to do something differently, I could have as easily, chosen to do nothing different.  That, indeed, is still a choice of sorts.  Choosing to not do is as powerful in our lives as doing.  Yet, it seems that many humans believe that they either don't have any power or ability to choose, or to change their lives, and in not making a change, they are powerless to having a life that is one of misery and heartache.

I see it much differently than that.  I do believe that there are persons in this world, even persons that I know in my own life, that do not believe that they are able to change themselves, or their life circumstances.  They view themselves as a victim of their physical illness, relationship, economic status or physical or mental health challenges.  However, I firmly believe that we ALL have the capacity and ability to change.  And, I believe that we ALL have a choice to do something different in our lives if they feel out of balance or not need fulfilling.

There are many that disagree with me about this; that believe that their lives are unmanageable and unhappy due to what others have done to them.  However, I know how capable that we all are; that we are not victims of circumstance; and that only when we realize our full potential in making a choice to create need fulfilling lives can we truly be happy humans.  

Is It Working?

I have made dozens of choices and decisions in my life so far.  Some of those decisions are based on a clear, precise path that I have taken to get there, and some of those decisions come after learning and relearning the same lesson repeatedly.  In other words, continuing to use a method or intervention that isn't working.

Take for example my past love relationships.  For many of my intimate partner relationships, I would use forms of "communication" such as the silent treatment, pouting, stomping my feet, and/or crying and feeling hurt.  Instead of using clear words to say what it was that I was experiencing, or feeling, I chose to use ineffective, indirect ways to communicate.

And, the thing is, none of my methods were working.  Still, I continued to use them.

In the action part of Choice Theory, Reality Therapy, Dr. Glasser created a four step approach to getting what it is that we want:

What do you want? - In other words, be clear about what your goal is, or what you are trying to accomplish; in my example above, I wanted a closer relationship with my partner.

What are you doing? - What steps are you taking to get what you want?  And, not doing anything counts as doing something, so for me, I was nagging, complaining, criticizing, pouting- I was doing many different things, even when I was silent and not doing anything, in my best attempt to get what I wanted.

Is it working? - This was often the step that I would leave out, instead blaming the other person for not doing what I wanted them to do.  This is an opportunity to evaluation whether my actions, or inactions, are getting me closer to what I want.

Are you willing to make a plan? - The final step is to decide whether or not you are willing to try something different if what you have been doing isn't working.  So, in my example, in my current relationship, I now use more effective, clear, and honest forms of communication such as talking openly about my feelings, being honest, and listening deeply to the other person.

There is no doubt that we all have pictures in our heads that seem clear and important to our lives, whether it is around job, relationship, family, or any number of life concerns.  However, the more clear we are in what it is that we really want, and the more willing we are to acknowledge what isn't working and try something new, the more likely that our pictures in our heads will match what we have in our real world.