The Power of Perception.

Everything that we see, feel, hear and experience is a result of how we perceive the world around us.  Although I would gather that most of us have been taught over time that the things that we see in this world exist as we see them, and are real, the truth is that anything that we experience in our lives is a matter of how we perceive it.  So, for example, when I look at an upholstered chair, I may see a piece of furniture that is comfortable to sit in.  To another person, it could be a piece of art, or something for the garbage dump.

Perception is everything.

So consider the concept when it comes to how we view other human beings, especially persons that seem to be very different than ourselves.  Maybe I have a perception that persons of a different racial category than myself are more prone to violence; or maybe the perception that marriage is between a man and a woman. Or the perception that any religious belief that is not Christianity is not valid, not meaningful, not deeply spiritual enough.

I don't hold any of these views currently, but I have had perceptions of persons around me that were based on the way that I wanted to see the world; the way that I chose to view others.  My perception was based on the filters that I use, to give the real world a positive, negative, or neutral value.  Over time, these become my actual belief systems, based on what I perceive the world to be.

The beauty of perception, although it is quite powerful, it can ALWAYS be changed.  So, the way that I see another human being, no matter what I have believed or thought in the past, can always be changed to see them in another way.  A way that celebrates their unique qualities; values the things that are important to them; and seeks an opportunity for understanding, learning and growth.

Perception is powerful, and so much more powerful when we see how we can change it in ways to be more open to the world around us.  

Learning and the Need for Fun.

My daughter is in her junior year of high school.  Up until high school, her school experiences have been filled with many different types of teachers, most of which enhanced her learning.  I believe that they did so by making learning fun for their students, for her.  So, she would enjoy going to school, and learning ended up being a sure fire way for her to meet her need for fun.  And, the learning would always stick as well, because when we enjoy our process of learning, we tend to remember it better because it is more meaningful to us.

Well, now that she is in high school, my daughter's learning has become a different experience, because for many of her instructors, teaching, and their student's learning, is not fun.  There is memorization, seriousness, a regimented order of doing things, and little room for creativity and inventiveness.  So, as a result, she is having much less fun than she has in the past.  And, the teachers that she does have, that are creative in how they teach, those are her favorites and the ones that stick out the most for her, and the classes that she excels in.

I always remember that Bill Glasser made a point of stating that our learning is enhanced when we are having fun.  We are open to information when we enjoy the process.  This can be applied in any type of context, but today, I am thinking about it in particular, about the process of teaching people about cultural awareness.  When persons are "required" to learn or attend trainings about diversity or cultural awareness, the ability for them to learn and have it stick is largely reduced, because more likely than not, the experience will not be a fun one for them.  When we don't make what we have to offer others purposeful, meaningful and symbolic for them in some way, it won't be fun.  It won't be well received.

The best option, in my mind, is to always see opportunities to teach, and to learn from others.  When we are open, we are more likely to take in new information, especially if we can see how it applies to us.  And, we can even have fun while we are learning or teaching others, rather than having it be a painful experience for all.  I think that when we all take small steps to open to and grow with one another, that we can make great strides in understanding and embracing our differences.

Melting Pot or Salad Bowl?

I have been conducting trainings for several years on a variety of topics, but the most common topic that I focus on has to usually do with issues around diversity.  It could be cultural awareness; the needs of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender persons; or how to be more embracing and open with others.  It is a passion for me, in that I always want to learn new ways, and teach new ways, for each of us to potentially be more open, compassionate and understanding with one another.

When I first started training many years ago,  I remember hearing at times about America, and our cultural experiences here, equating to a melting pot; many different people and cultural groups all coming together in one large entity.  And, that made sense to me; that each group brings its own qualities, and blended together, influence one another, and become one cohesive grouping.

However, years later, and to this day, the descriptor that I have come to appreciate more is that of salad bowl.

I, for one, LOVE salad.  I love it for many reasons.  One of the main reasons that I enjoy salad, is that even though there are many different ingredients brought together in one bowl, that creates an overall satisfaction of taste, there are also many different, INDIVIDUAL parts that bring their own, unique contribution.  In a salad bowl, there is a blending of flavors; and at the same time, each ingredient maintains its individual integrity.  Its uniqueness.  The qualities that make it what it is, and can at the same time, contribute to the whole.

To me, this is what best describes culture, and the way that I experience cultural difference in my daily living.  I appreciate that we can all come together in a common experience.  However, I also love that we each have a uniqueness that stands alone as well.  So, even when I want to be part of a group, I don't need to give away what is unique about me and important.  I get to continue to stand in my individuality, and support the individuality of those around me as well.

What do you prefer?  Soup, or Salad?  

The Basic Needs.

According to Choice Theory psychology, we have four basic needs; five, if you include the need for Survival.  The four basic needs according to Choice Theory are the need for Love and Belonging; the need for Fun; the need for Freedom; and the need for Power.  According to this theory, all human beings have the same basic needs throughout our lifetime.

This is a theory that makes a lot of sense to me.  And, to many other people that I know and come into contact with.  However, it is also clear to state that even though we all have the same basic human needs, we all meet them in a variety of ways.  We may know people in our lives that meet their needs in a similar way to ours, however, we all have our own purposefulness to our behaviors.  For example, one way that I meet my need for Freedom is by traveling, driving in the car for long and short distances.  This also meets my need for Love and Belonging, in that I am often traveling with those that I care about the most; and my need for Fun, because it is always an new, exciting experience for me.  Yet, there are others that don't find traveling to be need fulfilling at all.

Another need fulfilling behavior for me is learning; learning new things meets my need for Power.  Power can be a tricky need for people to understand; in that it isn't meaning power over others; rather, power in ones' own life is the meaning.  Learning helps me to feel very much in effective control of my life.  For others, learning could meet a person's need for Fun, or Love and Belonging, or may not be of interest to that person at all.  It reminds me that we all view the world in our own, unique way, and the meaning of the events and circumstances in this life as well.  

My belief is that we all need to have a clear understanding of the universality and uniqueness related to the basic needs in Choice Theory, and how each of us meet them in our own way.  By seeing ourselves as unique and universal, we get to embrace and appreciate the differences, and likenesses, among us all.

The Capacity for Change.

Over the years of my life, I have changed many things about myself.  I have changed my hair color and style, changed my body size, changed my style of clothing, careers, and changed the partners that I was in relationship with.  Most, if not all, aspects of my life have undergone some type of change at one time or another.

When I reflect back on many of the changes that I have made, I think about my ability to make such changes, and what brought about that desire to change something.  In all cases, it was that at the time, to put it into Choice Theory language, the picture in my head, in my Ideal World, did not match up with what existed in my Real World.  My scales were out of balance.  I felt inside that I was out of balance, not aligned, not happy.  I chose to frustrate, depress, or to have a variety of physical symptoms.

Now, even though I may have felt miserable, and I may have even blamed my environment or the people around me for my misery, I still had a choice to change.  I still had the freedom to choose something different for myself and my life.  And, in all of the cases listed above, I did make a choice.  A choice to think, feel, and do something different.

Even though I chose to do something differently, I could have as easily, chosen to do nothing different.  That, indeed, is still a choice of sorts.  Choosing to not do is as powerful in our lives as doing.  Yet, it seems that many humans believe that they either don't have any power or ability to choose, or to change their lives, and in not making a change, they are powerless to having a life that is one of misery and heartache.

I see it much differently than that.  I do believe that there are persons in this world, even persons that I know in my own life, that do not believe that they are able to change themselves, or their life circumstances.  They view themselves as a victim of their physical illness, relationship, economic status or physical or mental health challenges.  However, I firmly believe that we ALL have the capacity and ability to change.  And, I believe that we ALL have a choice to do something different in our lives if they feel out of balance or not need fulfilling.

There are many that disagree with me about this; that believe that their lives are unmanageable and unhappy due to what others have done to them.  However, I know how capable that we all are; that we are not victims of circumstance; and that only when we realize our full potential in making a choice to create need fulfilling lives can we truly be happy humans.  

Is It Working?

I have made dozens of choices and decisions in my life so far.  Some of those decisions are based on a clear, precise path that I have taken to get there, and some of those decisions come after learning and relearning the same lesson repeatedly.  In other words, continuing to use a method or intervention that isn't working.

Take for example my past love relationships.  For many of my intimate partner relationships, I would use forms of "communication" such as the silent treatment, pouting, stomping my feet, and/or crying and feeling hurt.  Instead of using clear words to say what it was that I was experiencing, or feeling, I chose to use ineffective, indirect ways to communicate.

And, the thing is, none of my methods were working.  Still, I continued to use them.

In the action part of Choice Theory, Reality Therapy, Dr. Glasser created a four step approach to getting what it is that we want:

What do you want? - In other words, be clear about what your goal is, or what you are trying to accomplish; in my example above, I wanted a closer relationship with my partner.

What are you doing? - What steps are you taking to get what you want?  And, not doing anything counts as doing something, so for me, I was nagging, complaining, criticizing, pouting- I was doing many different things, even when I was silent and not doing anything, in my best attempt to get what I wanted.

Is it working? - This was often the step that I would leave out, instead blaming the other person for not doing what I wanted them to do.  This is an opportunity to evaluation whether my actions, or inactions, are getting me closer to what I want.

Are you willing to make a plan? - The final step is to decide whether or not you are willing to try something different if what you have been doing isn't working.  So, in my example, in my current relationship, I now use more effective, clear, and honest forms of communication such as talking openly about my feelings, being honest, and listening deeply to the other person.

There is no doubt that we all have pictures in our heads that seem clear and important to our lives, whether it is around job, relationship, family, or any number of life concerns.  However, the more clear we are in what it is that we really want, and the more willing we are to acknowledge what isn't working and try something new, the more likely that our pictures in our heads will match what we have in our real world.  

Is It Working?

I have made dozens of choices and decisions in my life so far.  Some of those decisions are based on a clear, precise path that I have taken to get there, and some of those decisions come after learning and relearning the same lesson repeatedly.  In other words, continuing to use a method or intervention that isn't working.

Take for example my past love relationships.  For many of my intimate partner relationships, I would use forms of "communication" such as the silent treatment, pouting, stomping my feet, and/or crying and feeling hurt.  Instead of using clear words to say what it was that I was experiencing, or feeling, I chose to use ineffective, indirect ways to communicate.

And, the thing is, none of my methods were working.  Still, I continued to use them.

In the action part of Choice Theory, Reality Therapy, Dr. Glasser created a four step approach to getting what it is that we want:

What do you want? - In other words, be clear about what your goal is, or what you are trying to accomplish; in my example above, I wanted a closer relationship with my partner.

What are you doing? - What steps are you taking to get what you want?  And, not doing anything counts as doing something, so for me, I was nagging, complaining, criticizing, pouting- I was doing many different things, even when I was silent and not doing anything, in my best attempt to get what I wanted.

Is it working? - This was often the step that I would leave out, instead blaming the other person for not doing what I wanted them to do.  This is an opportunity to evaluate whether my actions, or inactions, are getting me closer to what I want?

Are you willing to make a plan? - The final step is to decide whether or not you are willing to try something different if what you have been doing isn't working.  So, in my example, in my current relationship, I now use more effective, clear, and honest forms of communication, such as talking openly about my feelings, being honest, and listening deeply to the other person.

There is no doubt that we all have pictures in our heads that seem clear and important to our lives, whether it is around job, relationship, family, or any number of issues. However, the more clear we are in what it is that we really want, and the more willing we are to acknowledge what isn't working and try something, the more likely that our pictures in our head will match what we have in our real world.  

The pictures in our heads.

One of my favorite references by Dr. William Glasser about Choice Theory, is the concept of the pictures in our heads.  In essence, the pictures in our heads are images that we hold of the various things, persons, and activities that meet our needs of Love and Belonging, Fun, Freedom, Power, and Survival.  Each of us has a rolodex of these pictures in our minds that we associate with one or more of our needs.  Your rolodex is unique to you, as mine is to me, although we may have some pictures that are similar to one another's.

I have thought often about this concept over the years, as I make the connection between Choice Theory and how it relates to various cultural differences that exist between persons.  One which cultural entity I have considered in relation to this is sexual orientation, and gender identity.  Let me tell you more of what I mean.

For me, being a lesbian is part of my cultural identity; it is part of how I describe who it is that I am in the world.  When I think about my needs for love and belonging, and fun, and I imagine my partner, my partner is a woman, and that has been the way it has been for me for all of my adult life.  That picture in my head has not always been of a woman with certain characteristics, but definitively female. That is what is need fulfilling for me in terms of my closest relationship.  So, when I met my fiance, helped to fulfill that need for love and belonging by being consistent with the picture in my head.

I enjoy this way of thinking about the needs that we have, and the ways in which we meet those needs, because it helps me to help others understand that being gay is not a choice, at least not in my way of thinking.  I equate it with a person's ethnicity, or racial category, in that we don't consciously choose to be African American or Bosnian in our race or ethnicity.  I don't actively choose who I am most connected to in terms of my intimate relationships; I have a picture in my head that is most need fulfilling for me.

I appreciate this concept in terms of the differences that exist among us as human beings, and that it is important to recognize our own unique qualities, and the unique qualities of others.  That we all bring beauty, and something of worth to the human table.

The Choice to Connect.

I have been around for a few years now, so in my lifetime, I have met and been related to many different people.  Friends, family, partners, child, neighbors included.  I also remember making deep connections with some people, or being born into a connection with them as family, and then those connections seeming to just fade away.  I would blame it on time, space or distance, or one or both of us changing in some way.

I can gratefully say that I don’t look at my relationships with other people the same way anymore.  I have come to understand, and believe, that the choice to connect with others around me isn’t about them; it is all about ME.

When I don’t hear from somebody for awhile, or I haven’t visited a family member in a long time, there is always a part of me, much smaller these days, that thinks that THEY should be calling ME.  Why aren’t they keeping in contact with ME?  And, as enticing as it is to want to believe that it is up to the other person to change, Choice Theory doesn’t let us get away with that.

One of the great parts of Choice Theory, to me, is that I get to choose, in all circumstances, what I am doing and how I will respond to it.  My behavior is always purposeful, and always to meet some need.  My actions, as well as my inactions, all count as choices.

So, it is really difficult, in relation to Choice Theory, for me to blame anyone else if I feel that our connection has been lost in some way.  I get to keep choosing.  I get to make that telephone call, write a letter and mail it, or email someone right now to get connected.

I think many of us use many different reasons/excuses for not connecting, and believe that it is justified.  Whether we say we don’t have enough time, we don’t have enough energy, or we are too different from others to really connect in a meaningful way.  The truth is, any excuse that we use to not connect with someone else is our choice to not connect. 

The beauty of connection, for me, is finding all of the unique qualities that exist in each of us, and seeing the common ground as we get to know one another.  The balance of the difference, and sameness, is what I think creates beautiful relationships. 

After a long time of feeling disconnected from those that I care about, that live far away from me, I started writing handwritten letters each week, and sending them to different family members and friends.  It is incredible not only what it does for them in a positive way,  but also in how I get such benefit out of seeing the picture in my head come to life.

We always have a choice.  Connection, in any form, is always available to us. 

Acceptance
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.” At the base of the statue of liberty, the phrase is displayed.  It suggests that we as a nation welcome and embrace all people from all walks of life. If this is true, why is it that we have dealt with so much prejudice and discrimination in this country?  Our inability to consistently show and demonstrate genuine acceptance has influenced the inability to display genuine cultural sensitivity.  As a Black man I have witnessed and endured many acts of cultural insensitivity towards my race. From the names we’ve been referred by to the demeaning treatment, I have watched as society has dealt us a blow of cultural despair that has lasted hundreds of years. Now although these acts were hurtful and damaging, they do not excuse the acts of cultural insensitivity that I sometimes see displayed from blacks to other groups. I believe that there are some blacks that believe that they are justified in their insensitivity because of the level of mistreatment suffered by them.  While I can understand (first hand) what that mistreatment feels like, I can’t excuse any insensitive behavior because of it. For or instance, all Middle Eastern business owners are not Arab and all Spanish speaking Americans are not Puerto Rican or Mexican. Now these examples may seem miniscule or petty however, they are just examples of how we are not making the choice to make a concerted effort to be more culturally sensitive.  The way we perceive the treatment by others will often impact our ability to display sensitivity. This is why it is important for us to understand that in spite of the treatment we have received from others, it is our responsibility to work towards a level of empathy and acceptance. I realize that this is much easier said than done but remember, acceptance and understanding does not mean agreement.  I have found that when we work to understand, we manage more effectively.  Pain and resentment can be detrimental to our ability to display sensitivity and this is why it is important for us to move beyond the pain.  Often times we depend on others to provide us the resources to get over our pain but what do you do if you never get your 40 acres and a mule?  Our joy and our happiness is predicated on our ability to alter what we perceive and treat others differently.  It is this journey that will allow us to establish a deeper and more effective level of sensitivity toward other cultural groups. Listen; as long as we exist we are going to be faced with the difference that others bring. Wouldn’t  it be great if we would all decide to work towards achieving the happiness we say we want by transforming “us” rather than waiting on the world to give us preparations?

Contributed by Sylvester Baugh
Baugh Training