Is It Working?

I have made dozens of choices and decisions in my life so far.  Some of those decisions are based on a clear, precise path that I have taken to get there, and some of those decisions come after learning and relearning the same lesson repeatedly.  In other words, continuing to use a method or intervention that isn't working.

Take for example my past love relationships.  For many of my intimate partner relationships, I would use forms of "communication" such as the silent treatment, pouting, stomping my feet, and/or crying and feeling hurt.  Instead of using clear words to say what it was that I was experiencing, or feeling, I chose to use ineffective, indirect ways to communicate.

And, the thing is, none of my methods were working.  Still, I continued to use them.

In the action part of Choice Theory, Reality Therapy, Dr. Glasser created a four step approach to getting what it is that we want:

What do you want? - In other words, be clear about what your goal is, or what you are trying to accomplish; in my example above, I wanted a closer relationship with my partner.

What are you doing? - What steps are you taking to get what you want?  And, not doing anything counts as doing something, so for me, I was nagging, complaining, criticizing, pouting- I was doing many different things, even when I was silent and not doing anything, in my best attempt to get what I wanted.

Is it working? - This was often the step that I would leave out, instead blaming the other person for not doing what I wanted them to do.  This is an opportunity to evaluation whether my actions, or inactions, are getting me closer to what I want.

Are you willing to make a plan? - The final step is to decide whether or not you are willing to try something different if what you have been doing isn't working.  So, in my example, in my current relationship, I now use more effective, clear, and honest forms of communication such as talking openly about my feelings, being honest, and listening deeply to the other person.

There is no doubt that we all have pictures in our heads that seem clear and important to our lives, whether it is around job, relationship, family, or any number of life concerns.  However, the more clear we are in what it is that we really want, and the more willing we are to acknowledge what isn't working and try something new, the more likely that our pictures in our heads will match what we have in our real world.